How to insult a king without a single swear word: the French soldier's six recipes.
The French soldier is the king of insults… and he never uses a single swear word! The secret: absurd images, childish behaviour and very polite or very formal English in the wrong place. Here are his six recipes.
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
family member + was + an animal · family member + smelt of + a fruit or a food (smell – smelt – smelt). Nothing rude: just silly pictures in your head.
“Go and boil your bottoms!” · “Now go away!”
Go and + base verb + something absurd. The imperative sounds very rude… but the action is completely silly.
“I blow my nose at you!” · “I fart in your general direction!”
I + a childish action + at you / in your general direction. Very childish, not really vulgar: the soldier behaves like a naughty schoolboy.
“…you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper!”
adjective + noun-ed (empty-headed, big-headed) + a long, strange job. The longer and the stranger, the funnier!
“English pig-dogs!” · “sons of a silly person!” · “so-called Arthur King!”
Two nouns stuck together, a very polite insult (a silly person!), or so-called (= soi-disant).
“If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!” · “Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!”
If + present, will / shall + verb · order + or + will / shall. Shall = will, old-fashioned and solemn.
The insults are ridiculous, not hurtful: nobody can be really offended by a hamster or by elderberries! The soldier is very proud of his insults, and Arthur, a legendary king, answers with very formal English (“Now look here, my good man”). The contrast is the joke.